i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
