Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
