my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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