I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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