Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize