Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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