I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
