the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
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