Don't make out with my wife yet
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
