Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
