you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
