Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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