the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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