omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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