sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Is Oprah even human
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
