I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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