I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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