lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Randomize