why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
