i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
