we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize