I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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