Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
