I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize