After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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