well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
