Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
