The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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