I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
