No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
