you win again, gameday.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
