I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
