Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize