Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
