My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
