why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
