i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
