So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
