Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
