Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
