I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
