I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The struggles of a small town man whore
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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