Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize
