I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
