Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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