you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
