We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
You left your phone here
Wait...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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