Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I want to fling myself into the sun
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
