that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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