C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
