her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
