She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
