Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
