I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize