I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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