I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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