I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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